


regrets i've had a few

by Rheah



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Character In The Closet, F/F, Gen, Lesbian Azula, Regrets, minor children Tyzula
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:27:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28863288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rheah/pseuds/Rheah
Summary: As a child, Mai prided herself on being observant; her quiet demeanor let her blend everywhere and silently take notes on the characters in the palace. And yet a decade later she wondered why she had not seen it sooner. I should have known.Mai reflects on her friendship with Azula and how the strict homophobia of the Fire Nation affected Azula
Relationships: Azula & Mai (Avatar), Mai/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 47





	regrets i've had a few

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I finally wrote a lesbian Azula work after talking about it for so long. The LoK comics mentioned that the Fire Nation had strict anti homosexuality laws after Sozin so I offer you this lesbian Azula headcanon and how the pressure of being perfect while being born flawed played a part in her demise. This is based upon my own experience with internalised homophobia sotriggers for it but there is no external homophobia.  
> I also wanted to explore Azula and Mai's friendship because it is often forgotten and i like to think that they used to really be friends and that Mai truly did care for her at some point.

As a child, Mai prided herself on being observant; her quiet demeanor let her blend everywhere and silently take notes on the characters in the palace. And yet a decade later she wondered why she had not seen it sooner. _I should have known._

The cold had started to creep in, ready to end their warm sunny days. Soon, Mai’s parents would be back from their Important Political business to pester her again. It would be Zuko again she thought; having their young daughter betrothed to a member of the Imperial family would bring her family enough fame for a father to chase higher office positions. But as an 8-years-old her priorities lay elsewhere, namely in watching Ty Lee try her new cartwheel and eating mochis with Azula.

Her friends were playing in the courtyard, by the turtleduck fountain. Zuko was nowhere to be found, probably with the Fire Lady she assumed. His mother was way nicer with him than hers was with her but she couldn’t help but notice how Azula always tried to steal her attention away only for Lady Ursa to scold her. At least, Mom liked spending time with her when Dad was too busy.

Underneath the red tree where the birds always chirped she could see Azula whispering some sort of secret she was never privy to in Ty Lee’s ear. She was used to it. Azula had told her it was because she was too close to Zuko and he couldn’t know their girl secrets. _“But I’m a girl too! Besides I like you way more than him.”_ She remembered saying. So now Azula had Ty Lee secrets and Mai secrets. Mai didn’t have any Ty Lee secrets though. Azula had this way of making her friends feel special. _We’re the only ones sharing her secrets._ It was inconsequential: palace gossips, pranks to play on Zuko, how to steal the best sweets, some random war info that Azula had overheard and none of them knew what to make out of it. 

Mai joined her friend, sitting on the grass _-properly, like a good lady_ \- waiting to be included in the game they must have going on. The princess was the first to notice her, her flaming eyes studying Mai or the situation, which one she never knew. Ty Lee joined in laying her head in Azula’s lap as her friend started to lightly pet her head. Mai ,the ever observant Mai, never paid close attention to what the two were doing. They were good friends. _What an idiot I was. I should have seen it sooner._ As the day went by, the girls were up to their usual mischief ending their daily routine once again under their favourite tree. Azula was playing with Ty Lee’s hair, her fingers running along the braid while Mai had caught a glimpse of Zuko running out of the practice ground.

“What do you see in him anyway?” Azula had asked with as much disdain as her little body could muster.

“I don’t like him! Could you both stop saying that!” Azula had been so obsessed with her liking her brother recently, she couldn’t figure out why. Sure, hanging out with Zuko was nice but that didn’t mean that she liked _liked_ him. 

“She’s just jealous because you have a boyfriend and she doesn’t.” Ty Lee intervened

“That’s not true! Shut up Ty Lee, you don’t know what you’re talking about.” Azula’s face was distorted in some sort of pout mixed with furrowed brows. “When I’ll have a boyfriend he’ll be the greatest and strongest general in the army. We’ll be a way stronger couple than Zuko and Mai”

“Once again I am not-”

“Oooh what your handsome soldier would look like Azula?”

“I don’t know Ty Lee, I don't really care, they'll pick him for me anyway.”

_Yep, Mai really should have seen it coming._

_________________________________________

The weather in Ba Sing Se had been pleasant, not as warm as home but less dry too. The makeup clinging to her pores usually ended up moisty at the end of the day. She could feel it peeling off her skin - how could warriors on an island had such bad water-resistant makeup? Truly peasants. Their allocated rooms were just around the corner. She could use some well-earned silence. While Azula was “doing business” with the Dai Li, she and Ty Lee had been tasked with reconnaissance missions but hers had ended sooner. No makeup, no lies and theatrics, only pure quiet. Maybe she could sharpen her knives, she had noticed a dull edge the other day.

Lost in her free time thoughts she quietly slipped into their common room and almost fell over at the sight in front of her. Azula was snuggled against some green-wearing servant girl, hands lost in her hair, lips tightly locked. Whatever noise Mai had made betrayed her presence and is if the couple was struck by lightning they separated in a flash and the other girl ran away before Mai could catch a good glimpse at her. In a swift movement Azula pushed her against the wall. If Mai had ever felt fear in her life nothing would ever compare to this particular moment (and nothing, not even the Boiling Rocks would ever terrify more than the look in Azula’s eyes). Two slender fingers were pressed on her neck, the nails drawing blood. And Azula as looking at her with trembling fury.

“You’ll never speak a word of this to anyone.” Mai heard the words whispered to her. “Or I’ll come for you. For your family. Do you understand?” There was no voice to be found in herself, no body tied to her soul. Mai couldn’t figure out where she was.

“Do you understand?” Azula repeated slowly as her fingers grew hot against her neck.

“Yes.” Mai’s voice was a bare murmur. “Yes.”

“Good.” Azula let her go, turning away, shoulders slumped.

“I don’t care, you know. I am not like the rest of them. You’re my friend, I’ll stick by you against them if I have to.”

“Get out!” It was the only time Mai had ever heard terror in her friend’s voice.

  
  


They never spoke of it again in Ba Sing Se. _If I had seen it before that day I could have helped her. somehow. Saved her from herself._

________________________________________

Zuko was back, the Avatar was dead, all was good. Mai couldn’t have wished for more, or maybe for one thing. She liked to pretend that she didn’t care and nothing truly affected her. But she dutifully made notes of every time went out to practice and every time she came back with an increasing amount of bruises on her body. How the dark circles under eyes grew behind the powder, the mask. Never keeping a secret had cost her more. Nobody else seemed to see, to care. _They didn’t know. She was on a path of self-destruction and we all let her be._ Mai was smart enough to never broach the subject. She did things her way. Azula could always find a healing cream after her training. She always got the last mochi to eat; Mai had even managed to get Zuko to stop pestering her too much. She was concerned. Once you saw the cracks you couldn’t look away. All her talks about perfection and yet she was a criminal, born doom in the eyes of the Empire. So Mai cared. She cared a little more than she would have, than she should have. And once again saw what was never meant for her eyes.

In the calm of her bedroom Azula was staring at her reflection. Mai had only meant to bring her some more bandage for her wrist injury. The feeble light Mai had brought into the dark room reflected the glistening in Azula's eyes. She was so still, that Mai would have thought she was dead was she not standing.

“How do you do it? How do you love him?” Mai didn’t need to ask who she was talking about. She had noticed the looks Azula gave her and her brother. The _jealousy._

“I don’t know, I just do. He completes me.” The answer came easy, it slipped out of her lips.

“Why can’t I do it too? Love the right people? “ Azula crouched down on the floor, her body -her voice- so small that Mai saw a child again. “I did everything right. Everything. Why am I being punished?”

“Maybe it’s not a punishment? Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise, a sign.” 

“A sign to what? My execution if everyone found out?”

“True love” Mai did not believe herself, she didn’t know how to help. Emotions weren’t her forte.

Azula burst out laughing

“True love,” She sneered “Thanks for the laugh Mai. And the reminder that not everyone sees me as a monster here.”

There was nothing more to be said. What could she do? _What more could she have done? If only she had said something there, something more, something loving…_

_________________________________________

Zuko left, the Boiling Rocks happened, the war ended and Mai’s life had been turned upside down. Fire Lord Zuko. It did sound nice to the ears. She had missed him. She had spent weeks hiding her real feelings in the horrid palace but now with his arms around her she knew where she truly belonged.

“We are going to rebuild a better world.” He whispered in her ear like it was the most wonderful secret in the universe. And at this moment, it was.

“I need to ask you something,” Mai said, “A group of people you have to help by overturning one of Sozin’s laws. We can no longer live in a world where love is illegal.”

She could not erase the screams, _the cries_ as they dragged her away from her memory but she would never let that happen again to anyone. Not if she could help it. She was no longer helpless, she’ll protect them, maybe out of guilt and a past commitment. _I am sorry my friend, I could not save you._

_________________________________________

It was a quiet day when Mai entered the building. Outside the birds were chirping as they once were, their melodies warming up the icy corridor she had wandered into. The guards let her through as soon as they saw her. _Leave us_ she ordered, they fled away. She picked up a chair and waited.

“Hello Azula. Miss me?”


End file.
